STOP BEING SO FUCKING NICE

Sometimes I worry that I'm intolerant. I mean, yes, I am intolerant of slow walkers, overcooked mushrooms, when people don't understand me STRAIGHT away, poor grammar, people watching me eat and people who leave the teabag in too long, but that's all normal stuff, right? 

I'm talking about my intolerance to... nice people. I mean, I'm quite nice most of the time, but no-one can be nice all the time. I can be a bit of a bitch, to be honest. Like, the normal amount. But I really can't stop myself from getting mildly irritated by people who never have a bad word to say about anyone, or who seem to find it impossible not to at least roll their eyes at that snogging couple on the tube ('They're in love!' 'Yeah, but I can see their spittle CONNECTING').

You know the kind: you feel guilty for saying anything mean to them. They have that slightly shocked look, and laugh nervously at your HILARIOUS (if slightly off-colour) jokes, not because they find them funny, but to be polite. In fact, they probably find them quite offensive, judging by their split-second  uncomfortable glance to the side as if to say, 'Please rescue me from this nutter NOW'.

I'm not saying that they should become a grade-A bitch, because it's lovely to be nice. All I'm saying is: take a day off once in a while. Set your inner voice free. I don't seriously believe you think about kittens and puppies all the time. Say what you're really thinking. Be honest. Even to me. Especially to me. There's nothing better in my books than someone having the balls to tell someone else that they're being a complete knobhead. Or about someone else. Perhaps not quite as constructive, but every bit as fun.

I feel like I'm painting a bad picture of myself. I'm a good person and my heart's in the right place. But I'm human. No-one can like everyone. It's impossible. And there are a lot of knobs in the world. Ok, I feel I'm overcompensating - that's enough now.

And on a personal level, if you've got common hatred of something, be it that girl who always has a cheese and onion pasty on the tube every morning, that twat who is talking REALLY loudly on the phone to impress the girl sitting opposite you (and he's failing really badly) or a colleague who's so far up his or own arse that it would be rude not to share a 'what a tosser' look when they look the other way.

*Image from themeanings.com