Thursday, October 25, 2012

What People Really Mean

People are horrible. They rarely say what they mean and everything they say is a thinly veiled insult.

Well, not everyone and not all the time, but sometimes, you just KNOW other people are not being entirely honest. Like, they can't help it. It's a very English thing to do - you couldn't possibly say what you really mean. It would disrupt the entire stiff upper lip thing that's going on.

What people really mean when they say:

"You're glowing." 
"You look like a lobster." 

"Honestly I don't mind." 
"I do a bit. But I've said I'll do it now so I can't really back out." 

"You look fine." 
"That outfit's not really that great but I want to go out and get pissed." 

"I'm sorry." 
"I'm only apologising so you'll apologise too." 

"Are you sure?" 
"This is a completely meaningless statement."

"It was great to see you." 
"I can't remember if I've met you before. This is suitably non-committal." 

"Come if you want to." 
"I don't want you to come but I'm too passive aggressive to say that." 

"You look interesting/different." 
"What the hell have you done to yourself?!" 

"I was too busy." 
"I forgot but want to sound important and have an excuse so I don't sound flaky." 

"Sorry, but..." 
"I'm not sorry at all. I want to say something insulting." (the same goes f0r: 'I'm not being funny, but...' and 'no offence, but...') 

"Would you like to [insert shit task that no-one would ever LIKE to do]?" 
"You haven't really got a choice. I'm TELLING you." 

"I'm too tired." 
"I can't be arsed." 

"Am I the only person who thinks that..." 
"I'm definitely not but want to seem original. And I want to be a stand-up comic so I'm working on observational humour. HAHAHAHAHA." 

"I don't really use Facebook." 
"I don't want you to add me, you creep/pervert." 

"As I said before..." 
"As you've clearly ignored what I said before I'll say it again..."

And finally, a classic:

"You look well."
"You've put on weight." 


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