Tuesday, March 8, 2016

How to let people know you've just returned from travelling

Here's the kicker: you've just returned home from travelling and no-one has given you the opportunity to casually drop in that you've just been like, bettering and finding yourself, for like, a whole year? How to drop this fascinating tidbit in conversation, besides wearing an 'I HEART NZ/NY/AUS' t-shirt proclaiming to the world that you have, in fact, been there and are not yet wearing as pyjamas? Never fear, travelling pals, here are ten ways to Let People Know You're Superior. This works for long-term travelling and for holidays. Even try it with two weeks at a resort in Tenerife. 

Hobbiton, NZ

1. I like to take my watch off to show off my enviable watch strap tanline (since 'nam I, like, don't need a watch. You know?') 

2. Drop in bits of slang into everyday conversation. It's become like, so second nature to you it's natural? (Use upward inflection at the end of every sentence for bonus points) Sweet as, bro. 

3. Complain repeatedly about the weather (guys, I'm still acclimatising to the climate? Back in Aus I'd just walk around in my bare feet and a kaftan. This is the WORST).

4. In a similar vein, complain/wax lyrical about the price of everything (In Bali, you could like, buy a HOUSE for the price of a round in this pub/OH MY ACTUAL GOD. In A-dhabz, you could get a pack of nuts for TWENTY POUNDS. I feel so #blessed). 

5. Wear indigenous jewellery so hideous and eyecatching they can only invite comment. Claim they are from a wise old soothsayer you met in the desert. 

6. Punctuate mealtimes with comparisons from your beloved country (actually, in traditional Catalan cooking, you stew the sheep testicles for six hours. And we are eating way too early to be authentic). 

7. Learn some of the language and enthusiastically pepper conversation with it. When called on it, claim not to notice (sometimes I just forget which language I'm thinking in! )

8. Act like you've never seen familiar items before, think Amy Adams in Enchanted or similar Disney character encountering human life for the first time (SHUT THE FRONT DOOR. You guys have Marmite! I'd totes forgotten about this! You see, in Belize...)

9. Really play up the jet lag, for several beneficiary reasons: excuse to sleep, humblebrag about how far you've been... ('I haven't slept properly in WEEKS, travelling really takes it out of you' 'But I thought you only went to France--' 'YOU HAVEN'T BEEN TRAVELLING, YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND')

10. Get a face tattoo of your chosen country. If none of those have worked, that's probably your only option. Bonne journée! 

*disclaimer: this is written with tongue firmly in cheek, but I may have done one, or several of these things. I just feel like, a different person now? 

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