Sunday, June 29, 2014

My Four Worst Dates, to Date

Top 10 worst dates 

Yeah everyone's dating, and writing blogs about it, and having tumblrs for their funny tinder responses (incidentally, I have one here). But this is a lifestyle blog (or a blog about people mostly, I suppose), and this is definitely about people. 

So I thought is stick my two pennorth in anyway. Here are my top 4 worst dates. More to come soon, I'm sure.

1. I knew it wasn't going to go THAT well when I didn't fancy him the moment I saw him. His pictures were a little different to his profile. Which is a little deceptive, but so far so average - these things can be fun even if you're not attracted to your date. Unfortunately, it wasn't.

He paused every five minutes or so to thoroughly blow his nose on a really ratty tissue, which is off putting from anyone. I think I might have even caught him inspecting the contents on a couple of occasions.

That wasn't the worst thing, though. He was just really, really dull. He spent about ten minutes (the longest ten minutes of my life) listing the chocolates that his work out out for the staff. Yes, it was as riveting as it sounds. He also spent much longer than it is needed explaining his cineworld unlimited card to me ("you go four, five times and you get your money back. Even six or seven and it's even better". I GET IT, IT'S UNLIMITED! 

I decided to be honest after I got home - I texted him shortly afterwards and said that I didn't want anything romantic, but it would be nice to be friends. You would appreciate the honesty, wouldn't you? He sent me a barrage of abusive texts explaining how hard done he is by women and why I was a bad person.

Yeah, didn't see him again.

2. The date wrong-footed me straight away. We went to the bar, he asked what I wanted and then said 'shall I get the first round, or...?' Not that I'm being anti-feminist, but... wet lettuce much? And if you're going to make it clear that you're buying in rounds, one of us has to buy the first one.

We had some ok chats, but I could tell from the off that we weren't on the same wavelength. He kept making too many references to, er, self-pleasuring, oddly. He even started talking about keigel exercises at one point. Which sounds well, actually kind of funny, NOW, but it was just, really, really awkward. 

At 9, I asked him if he wanted another drink (it wasn't my 'turn' but he'd been nursing an empty glass for the last 10 minutes so I thought he might be a bit short of money. His response, 'let's just leave it'.  An odd thing to say anyway. At 9 o'clock? Really? Actually, it turns out he wanted to go home and cook some vegetables. Yeah, I know. And we did leave it, if you're interested.

3. Don't get me wrong, I had a nice time. But that's not quite enough, is it? I didn't really fancy him and we didn't have anything in common, and most importantly, he didn't make me laugh. So at some point during the evening I had a brief conversation with another guy, in which I expressed my thoughts about how the evening was going and assumed I'd never see him again. But this guy, who I later found out was alone in the pub, came over to antagonise my date, and continued to do so until my date left. I don't know with whom I was more irritated - the other guy for being a dick, or my date, for not being man enough to tell the other guy to bugger off.

4.  I had completely forgotten about this one, until I started going through my texts and found it. I'm still not sure why we met up, since we were a complete mismatch from the start - just over text, he really hated it when I tried to gently take the piss out of him, but somehow there was a double standard for him, so we had a fair few set-tos. He was also a wannabe steroid-taker, who on answering my favourite question, 'what is your favourite sandwich?, said that he didn't keep bread in the house. WHAT KIND OF AN ANSWER IS THAT?! 

We met up for breakfast (who goes on a breakfast date?), which was the most unmemorable date that I had been on thus far. I can't even remember what we talked about (oh, except for his lengthy explanation about the many tattoos of other people's faces on his legs). After we departed (not missing a rather sweaty hug), I made a jokey comment about him not being as cocky in person (which would have at least been more interesting and attractive), which escalated into us never speaking ever again. Well, I do like a good argument.

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