I’ve stopped updating my status because it’s better doing it on Twitter – there’s a better response and if it’s shit, it gets buried very quickly and to be honest, it’s far more likely I’ll have a conversation with like-minded people on there as I pretty much follow journalists and people who talk food constantly.
Plus, my sister doesn’t check Twitter that much so there’s less likelihood of her taking the piss out of what I’ve written. And she likes taking the piss out of most things. Anyway. What I have realised is that Twitter is about posting stupid links and getting outraged over EVERYTHING but what Facebook is for making yourself look or sound better or worse than you really are.
Now, don’t try and deny it. We’ve all done it. I’ve done it, you’ve done it, even Zoey Deschanel’s done it. God, I hate her. If you want to make yourself sound better on Facebook, here are some handy hints of what to do. As always, my tongue is firmly in my cheek.
- ‘Like’ loads of pages so people remember you exist. In particular the ones that are just really long sentences.
- Check into your bed with your boy/girlfriend, just so everyone knows you’re getting some.
- Post a classical music video, quote famous literature with big words in or something that’s generally profound, to sound clever and cultured. Bonus points for a controversial comment to go with it.
- In a similar vein, post Modest Mouse lyrics or similar vintage indie band. It’s pretty much illegal for someone to post a status of that nature and not get likes.
- Tag EVERYONE IN EVERYTHING to represent all of your hilarious in-jokes that would probably have been better off in a private message.
- Spam people with your links all the time, just in case they forgot you write for a blog with more than two readers. Of course, I would NEVER do this.
- Ask rhetorical questions on your status. “Chocolate cherry cheesecake? Don’t mind if I do.’ (There’s always a risk if you ask questions no-one will answer them, so it’s safer if you answer them yourself).
- Check in. Everywhere. Starbucks, your local pub (every Friday night. Caption: “Gin O’Clock!”), the supermarket (at first glance, it seems pretty boring but it’s a Monday night at 3am and you’re on an all-nighter and you went to Tesco’s [sic] to get some popcorn!!!1111!!11111).
- Write stuff in another language. Mysterious. Oh, and stick a heart on the end to show you know basic HTML (ok, so that worked better with Myspace).
- Frape yourself. No-one will ever know. People like pretty much every frape so even if it’s really shit, it’ll get at least one ‘like. RESULT.